MADAME PRESIDENT (holding up a condom “balloon” bouquet)

The good people at Coweta Health Initiative have graciously donated an entire carton of prophylactics as part of their “Safer Sex” program that we will be putting to good use to decorate our Fellowship hall!

The Iron Ladies of First Coweta (sample)
By Robb Piggot

This play was produced in January 2019 as part of the Fertile Ground Festival.

CHARACTERS

MADAME PRESIDENT
MADAME SECRETARY
AMY LEE, SERGEANT AT ARMS
JOANNA BARNES

(The lights come up.)

PRESIDENT (entering)
All right, everyone – please if we could just settle down so we can things started.

SERGEANT AT ARMS (entering with SECRETARY)
Quiet!

PRESIDENT
Thank you, Amy Lee. We have a lot on our agenda tonight and I’m sure the faster that we all get down to business, the sooner we can all get home to our husbands and families. Everyone of course except for Diane Nielsen, (The PRESIDENT waves to an unseen woman in the audience) So good to see you out and about, dear – who you, if you haven’t heard, is going through a particularly painful divorce right now.

SECRETARY
Aw, isn’t that a shame? You two seemed so happy.

PRESIDENT
Well just want you to know, Diane that we are still keeping you in our prayers – at least until the end of the month.

SECRETARY
Of course, anyone who knew that cheating husband of yours in high school could have told you he had a wandering eye and it was bound to happen eventually.

PRESIDENT
But as they say: if you lay down with dogs –

PRESIDENT and SECRETARY
You wake up with fleas.

(The SERGEANT AT AY ARMS chimes in at the end.)

PRESIDENT
Amy Lee, that’s positively unchristian of you –

SERGEANT AT ARMS
But I –

PRESIDENT
As the bible says, “Let he who is without sin ,,”

SECRETARY
Why don’t you just call the meeting to order?

SERGEANT AT ARMS
Yes, Ma’am. This meeting of the First Coweta Ladies Auxiliary League is now in session. Madame President presiding.

PRESIDENT
Excuse me for just a second – Amy Lee, what is that?

SERGEANT AT ARMS
It’s an iron.

SECRETARY
We can see that. What happened to the gavel?

SERGEANT AT ARMS
Funny story. Bobby Jr. was using it to crack walnuts and the handle just snapped right off.

PRESIDENT
I’m not quite sure I see the humor in damaging church property.

SERGEANT AT ARMS
But don’t worry, this works just as well. (AMY LEE smashes a walnut with the iron.)

SECRETARY
You carry walnuts in your purse?

SERGEANT AT ARMS
All the time. My son just loves them. Eats them shells and all,

SECRETARY (to the audience)
You’ll have to excuse her. Someone doesn’t homeschool.