SHERIFF
What are you going to do? Shoot me down in cold blood? Right here in front of this respectable woman?

DEPUTY
Oh, she’s not that respectable.

99.44% (sample)
By Robb Piggot

This play was produced in January 2018 as part of the Fertile Ground Festival.

CHARACTERS

SHERIFF
DEPUTY
THE BARBARY KID
CHEYENNE ANNIE

(The lights come up on the DEPUTY speaking to the audience.)

DEPUTY
We take now you back to those thrilling times of yesteryear to the days of the Old West. Rebellious, violent, savage days where only a man with a tin star and the barrel of a 45 revolver could dispense frontier justice and tame the savage wilds of the American southwest. Where men were men and women were gullible enough to believe it.

(CHEYENNE ANNIE is finishing cleaning the floor with soap and a brush. The SHERIFF stands off to the side, staring stoically towards the horizon)

CHEYENNE ANNIE
So you .. want me to wash your back for you, Sheriff?

SHERIFF
I’m afraid this hard-working lawman doesn’t have time for a quick soak in the tub.

CHEYENNE ANNIE
Are you sure, Sheriff? Cause you’re looking really dirty and I think you could use a good scrubbing.

SHERIFF
I got bigger problems than a little prairie dust, ma’am. Someone’s gotta keep the peace.

CHEYENNE ANNIE
I’d like to keep your piece.

SHERIFF
Aww, you have a heart of gold, Cheyenne Annie.

CHEYENNE ANNIE
So why don’t you let me spit-shine that big silver star of yours?

SHERIFF
I’m going to take a hard pass on this one.

CHEYENNE ANNIE
It’s because I’m the town whore, isn’t it?

SHERIFF
Not exactly. It’s more what you do in your off hours. Your little red schoolhouse.

CHEYENNE ANNIE
All right, so I’m also the town schoolmarm. What can I say? Teacher or whore – that’s pretty much it on the job market for a single woman in 1848. But that shouldn’t stop you from clapping my erasers.

SHERIFF
Frankly, a man feels a little funny about taking a woman to bed at night whose responsible for the educating of his children in the daytime.

CHEYENNE ANNIE
I can’t help that. Do you know how much they pay teachers? Come on upstairs and let me sharpen your pencils.

SHERIFF
I got an idea. Why don’t you try your luck down at jailhouse? You got a few more hours before the town drunk sobers up.

CHEYENNE ANNIE
Forget it, I don’t need your charity. Besides, I got papers to grade