DOCTOR
Now hold up! The farmer don’t milk the pig when there’s cows in the corn. This is about getting you the help you need.

HORSE
Help? Who the hell do you think you’re talking to? I’m a Triple Crown winner, motherfucker.

SPITTING THE BIT (sample)
By Robb Piggott

This play was first produced March 2018 as part of the Monkey With A Hat On Sports Ten Minute Play Festival

CHARACTERS

JOCKEY: Small in stature. Big on heart. Highly emotional, clearly at the end of his rope. A loyal friend who is deeply concerned about the horse.

DOCTOR: A clinical interventionist for substance abusers. The type of “professional” one sees on daytime t.v., offering more folksy wisdom than actual help.

HORSE: Sugar-addicted, prize-winning champion. An arrogant, cocky and quick-tempered bully. A real asshole in equine form.

SETTING

A locker room at a horse racing stadium.

TIME

Just before post time.

(The lights come up on a locker room. The JOCKEY paces anxiously as the DOCTOR sits calmly on the bench.)

JOCKEY
Where could he be? It’s almost post time.

DOCTOR
Now just calm down. You said yourself he’s never been early a day in his life.

JOCKEY (starting to cry)
He’ll be late to his own funeral.

DOCTOR
Everything’s gonna be all right. Like my Daddy used to say, “You can’t make the sun rise by shoving an alarm clock up a rooster’s butt.”

JOCKEY
Oh but Doctor, what if he doesn’t accept the help that he needs to get better?

(The HORSE enters.)

HORSE
Sorry I’m late Palomino – but there was this cute little filly down in the paddock, who wouldn’t let me leave until I gave her the daily double. (seeing the DOCTOR) Who the hell are you?

JOCKEY
This is Dr. McClellan from the Bridgeport Recovery Center.

DOCTOR
You can just call me Jim.

HORSE
And you can just forget about me pissing in a glass, Doc – cause I’m clean and I got the papers to prove it. Don’t I, shortstop? (The HORSE “winks” at the JOCKEY.)

DOCTOR
Your friend has asked me here to get you back on your feet and on the road to recovery.

HORSE
What’s he talking about?

JOCKEY
I know about – the sugar.

HORSE
The sugar?! What, me, huh? Who said anything about sugar?

JOCKEY
I won’t let you destroy yourself.

HORSE
Oh come on, it’s no big deal, I mean, everybody does it, right Doc?

DOCTOR
I suppose everything in moderation. Heck, even the barn swallow sleeps in on Christmas.

HORSE
Just a few cubes, that’s all. Plus, don’t forget who gives it to me.

JOCKEY
And I admit that.